Unmet Expectations

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There is an Alcoholics Anonymous quote that says, “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” If a person has ever let you down, you probably know what that feels like – unmet expectations can certainly lead to resentment. On the other side of the equation, constantly trying to meet the expectations of other people can also lead to resentment. The problem is, most of our expectations of others are selfish and unrealistic.

Our expectations – of each other, of life, of ourselves – are so easily thwarted. So much of what we expect doesn’t happen the way we wanted. And then what? We’re disappointed. We get an attitude. “Poor me.” Or “I deserve better.” Or “How dare that person treat me like that?” Unmet expectations can make us angry, resentful, and worse. That’s because these expectations are inherently selfish.

Of course, if your High School football team expects to win the victory on Friday night, and they get hammered instead, then that’s different. Disappointing, of course. But the kind of expectations I’m talking about are more personal. Think about your interactions with the people in your life. Do you expect your spouse to handle certain chores around the house? Do you expect your child to get straight A’s in school? Do you expect your friends to remember your birthday, “like” your Instagram posts, or put up with your messiness? I don’t suppose any of these things are inherently bad. Usually, we want the best for those we love. But how do we act when our expectations aren’t met – even if we love the person? When your husband doesn’t get the tires changed in time and you have a flat? When my child brings home a “C” in algebra? When your friend gossips about you behind your back? How do we act then?

Let’s pause a minute here. You might argue that expectations from a parent, or teacher, or coach, or boss, are inherently unselfish, and even necessary, because they challenge a child, or a student, or an athlete, or an employee, to be better. I agree, IF the expectations are reasonable, and if the leader can maintain perspective. As a parent, I can think of times when my expectations for my kid were disappointed, and I reacted as if the house was on fire. Looking back, I probably expected too much, and certainly I took the failure too personally. In that case, the expectations became more about me and less about them. Selfish.

Not only are our expectations of others often selfish, they can be unrealistic. Expectations often have to do with the things I think you should do, or be, or say, or feel. These are unrealistic burdens we put on others, because they usually represent things WE should be doing or being, or saying or feeling. And besides, we often fail to communicate clearly what we expect from others. We just expect them to read our minds: you thought your wife would have supper ready when you got home from a hard day – but it didn’t happen. You were a bit disappointed. But perhaps you didn’t remember that SHE had a hard day, too. Or, perhaps you expected your co-worker to pick up the slack when you were out sick, but he dropped the ball. The fact is, it’s unrealistic to expect our family members and friends to meet all of our needs. Because that's not humanly possible! And when they don’t live up to our expectations, and we don’t get what we think we deserve or need from them, what happens? We sulk, or retaliate, and our relationships suffer.

On a national level, there’s definitely a problem with selfish, unrealistic expectations. So many people expect the government to support them with free food, healthcare, child care, education, and even debt repayment. They have been told that this is the government’s responsibility, that they deserve this kind of attention, for whatever reason. But what about the responsibility we all have to work to support ourselves and our families and keep our communities healthy? Why should anyone expect someone else to do it all for us? Thousands of perfectly healthy, employable people are sitting on their couches watching YouTube today, because our government perpetuates this kind of dangerous dependency. And when the cycle of handouts and expectations breaks down, and the inequalities and inefficiencies are exposed, everyone gets offended because their unrealistic, selfish expectations aren’t being met.

If unmet expectations are such a minefield of disappointments and broken relationships, then how do we, as individuals, navigate them? How did Jesus handle His unmet expectations?

When he crossed the Sea of Galilee with his disciples in a fishing boat one time, Jesus fell asleep. Remember this? A storm came up, and his followers thought they were goners. They woke Jesus up, and he spoke, and the water settled down, and the wind died. All he said to the guys in the boat with him was, “Where is your faith?” Ouch. There they were, sitting in a boat with the Messiah, Redeemer of the world, and they let a little tempest scare them. Obviously, Jesus expected them to have more faith than they did. But he didn’t get mad, or resentful, or threaten, or act offended. He just asked a question. “Where is your faith?” He made his expectations clear, but He also made it clear that their failure to meet those expectations didn’t change His relationship with them. Jesus offers his friends grace. Grace, and space to do better next time.

People will always disappoint us. God never will. We never have enough faith, but He has plenty. Friends, family, and strangers will let us down, but God never does. Where humans can be faithless, God is always faithful. We are as changeable as the weather, but God never changes. We can confess the evils of our selfish, unrealistic human expectations, and trust Jesus to calm the storms we face, and forgive us.

“For God is not a God of confusion, but of peace” (1 Cor. 14:33).

Standing with you,

Carolyn

What do you think? Do you ever have unrealistic expectations? How do you handle them? Please leave a

comment below!